We need to see the parents...

"She's very quiet"

"She didn't respond in class"

"She like to be alone"

"She didn't mix with the friends"

"When I asked her to go to the front, she didn't go"

"She can't read"

"She has communication problem"

"She cannot repeat words"

"But, she's good in Maths. No problem at all"

"She's good in artistic. she colors well"

"She copy things correctly"

That were what being told by Coan's teacher, Mrs Sm1th@. Yes, she is an 1nd1@n from 1nd1a. I could hardly understand her English. So, how could my Coan understand her?

"You should stress the importance of study hard to her, you know."

That came from the Vice Principle, Mrs Milhan. Yes, another 1ndi@n. Her English is much better but still I had to listen carefully to be able to undestand. Stress the importance of study hard? Coan is hardly 6 years old (she'll be 6 in March 16). Its time for her to have fun while learning. There is no major exam like UPSR, or PMR or even SPM (I don't know what exam that they have in here) yet. Besides, she was only 2 months in the school. The environment is alien to her.

That's what we (abang and I) told them (P, VP, Teacher). The lion face of the VP doesn't shows an educator look at all. She was rude. Really rude. While we were having the discussion, she went out. Then she came back and said something that 4 of us already discussed! What kind of teacher is that? Perhaps she forgot that she works in a private school. The students paid for her salary. I was annoyed, really annoyed but I didn't express it out. I was cool... Alhamdulillah... (hahahaaa... the female tiger is still sleeping)

The Principle? She just looked at us and gave suggestion how to help Coan. She didn't raise her voice but the VP did, with her fiery look. Ouch!! The look could kill a rat!

I agree my dear Coan may have some problem in English communication (blame it on us who rarely speak English at home) but how could the teacher be so pushy. Give her some time. She'll pick up soon. I believe so and I really hope so.

The VP and the teacher were hurried to go back (they took the school bus to go home. so, they couldn't afford to stay longer). After wrapping up the discussion, she said,

"Okay, thank you."

Then she left. Waaaa.... we haven't leave. What kind of business entity is this? The customers are still waiting and you, the provider left like that?

We waited there with the Principle. The principle told us that they just need to see the parents and update about our daughter's performance. Okay... good enough. Before this (last week, the VP told my husband the possibility to down grade Coan to KG 1. KG 1 is for 5 years old. Coan is in KG 2 now, for 6 years old)

When we raised the issue, we don't want Coan to be down graded, the Principle said,

"No... that's not what our concern is.."

Fair enough. If I'm not mistaken, that was when the VP left the room. The VP has told a different story to my husband before.

We have talked about it last night. We were thinking of changing my kids to a different school if today discussion is provoking. Luckily, it didn't. This year, they'll be in the same school. Next year, would be a different story.

We ended up thinking of giving a tuition for Coan. A different teacher who can teach her to read and communicate in English is needed, just to satisfy Mrs Sm1th@ and the VP! I could teach her but it won't be that effective since she's so 'manja' and I know she would not listen to me.

We'll see Coan. In 2 months time, Ummi really hope you improve a lot. Insyaallah...

14th June 2006

"Prangggg"


Silence... I was shocked. I tried to listen where was the noise came from. After a day at work, I went back home, laid my back on the bed while Kakak and Coan bathing in the toilet in my bedroom. It was okay a moment ago. They were gigling and laughing. I usually discouraged them to bathe together. But today, they insisted and I approved it. Though I didn't allow them, they always bathe together and so far, there were no problem at all. But today...


"Ummi!!! saaakit!!! saaakitnyaaaa!!! addduuuhhh!! ummiii!! sakittttttt!! addduuhhhhh!!!!


I quickly woke up from bed and rushed to the toilet. I saw the blood flooding the floor. Then I looked at Coan who was weeping in pain. Her chest, leg and knee were blooded. The most came from underneath her knee. The blood flew like tap water. I looked at Kakak. Her foot blooded, not as much as Coan. I was wondering, how could that happened. Then, I looked at the sink. There was no more sink. It was the sink that crushed on the floor. I trembled.


"Ya Allah.... tu la ummi dah cakap tak boleh mandi berdua. tak nak dengar... tengok apa jadi...Ya Allah... macam mana sink jatuh kakak??" I asked in quiver while looking here and there, uncertain of what to do.



"Coan nak tengok cermin. nak tengok lipstick yang dia pakai. Dia panjat lah sink. lepas tu sink jatuh... sink kena coan. kakak pun kena jugak..." Kakak explained in fear.



Abang was not home yet. Either he was at work or at the golf course. I took my handphone and called abang.



"Abang!! Abang.... abang kat mana? Abang tak balik lagi ke?"



"Belum... kenapa?"



"Abang.... balik la cepat.. Coan jatuh sink ni. penuh darah.." I wept.



"Hah? Okay la.. tunggu.." Abang said in calm


I went to look for my kids. I wanted to hold Coan but I afraid that I would only make it worse for her. Is it safe? Will I make her leg broken? I didn't know how serious her injury was. I was still looking here and there when suddenly it hit my mind to get help from my neighbor.


"Duduk sini dulu diam diam. Jangan pegi mana-mana. Tunggu ummi okay!" I told my kids.


I went out the room and run outside (I lived in a semi-D house in Bkt Rngn. So, I didn't have to go that far to call for my neighbor)


"Kak!! Kak Izan!! Kak Izan!!" I shouted


The husband came out.


"Ya, ada apa?"


"Kak Izan ada?" the nervous me.


"Ada. jap ye..."


Kak Izan came out.


"Ya neeza..." the cool (as she always is) Kak Izan


"Kak.... anak neeza berdarah kak.." me, trembling.


"Hah??? Mana?" Kak Izan looked at the road. She thought my daughter had an accident on the road.


"Dia kat dalam kak. Dia jatuh sink" almost cried.


Kak Izan came to my house. I went in and found out Coan had already walked to the front door. The blood was all over the floor.


"Coan!!!! Kenapa keluar??? kan Ummi suruh duduk dalam!!" I shouted and carried her in. I held her underarms coz' I was worried if I held her body, I would have broken her leg.


Kak Izan went in.


"Ya Allah!!! Macam mana boleh jadi macam ni??" Kak Izan shouted after looking at the blood on the floor.


"Budak budak ni kaaakk... mandi sama-sama dalam toilet. Neeza kat luar. Coan panjat sink. Sink jatuh kena Coan. Sophea pun kena jugak kat kaki.."


I can't stop my tears. I really felt like, I was the worst mother in the world. How could I let that happened. If only I was firm enough not to let them bathe together. If only I bathed them myself instead of letting them alone. If only and if only... Its too late. The accident already occured.


"Neeza!! Ada kain tak?" Kak Izan was trying to help


"Kain apa kak?" I really cried


"Dah tu... takde apa... bagi la tuala ke.. apa apa kain la...akak nak balut Coan ni. Nak hentikan darah.." Kak Izan figured out something.


I walked here and there. My brain shut. I saw a towel hanged on the chair. I took the towel and gave it to Kak Izan.


"Towel ni boleh kak?" I asked


"Guna lagi ke towel ni..?" I wasn't paying attention that Kak Izan actually asked for a used cloth to stop the bleeding.


"Takpelah kak.. pakai aje lah.." I was standing there as if Coan was not my daughter. I just looked at Kak Izan wrapped the towel around Coan and hugged her tight. Then she asked.


"Shahril mana? Dah telefon dia ke?" Kak Izan asked


"Dah kak. Dia on the way balik"


"Abis. macam mana ni? nak bawak hospital ke?"


"Bawak clinic dulu la kot. kalau apa apa hal, baru bawak hospital" I suggested without thinking


When Kak Izan said 'hospital' I was thinking about the GH. I imagined that I had to wait for the staff to come and help. Besides, I always had this fear of going to the GH. I don't know why. Everytime I went to GH, I imagine corpses, I imagine the worst accident that I've ever seen.. all bad images come into mind. Kak Izan was actually referring to the KMC (private hospital).


Kak Izan's husband came in. He wanted to bring us to the clinic. I asked Kak Izan's husband to drive my car. As soon as we went into the car, Abang came back. Kak Izan's husband came out from the car and abang went in. While driving, abang asked me,


"Nak pegi mana ni? clinic ke KMC?"


"KMC?? nak pergi KMC ke? clinic tak boleh?" I wasn't thinking at all.


"Baik pergi KMC. kalau pergi clinic, nanti dia mungkin refer ke hospital jugak. Baik terus pergi sana..." abang suggested


"Haah. betul tu neeza.."


Kak Izan agreed to abang's suggestion. It was Kak Izan who hold Coan all the way to the hospital. Kakak (Sophea) sit with me in the front seat. I glanced at Coan once in a while.


"Coan okay ke? Nape Coan diam? Coan pengsan ke kak?"


"Ish... tak la.."


Coan was so quiet when Kak Izan hold her. I scared that she would have fainted for bleeding too much.


"Coan cakap la dengan ummi. kenapa diam aje..?"


"Takpe... biarkan.. dia terkejut tu.." Kak Izan tried to comfort me.


When we arrived, abang stopped the car in the front door. By right, we were not supposed to park our car there. But, since it was an emergency case, it was okay to do so. Abang scooped Coan up and run to the emergency room. Everyone looked (biasa la tu - the curious M@laysian). Abang was told to put Coan inside the ER. With the towel wrapped around her, Coan was so quiet. At the age of 4, I was sure she didn't quite understand things that happened to her.


The MO came and spent about 5 minutes with her. Then she came to me and asked,


"Bila last dia makan? ada dalam 4 jam tak?"


"Hmmm... dalam pukul 4 petang kat nursery tadi. Nape doctor?" I was curious


"Kami tak boleh buat apa-apa. Kami tak pasti luka dia seteruk mana. Jadi, kami kena panggil Orthopedik untuk buat ni. Dia kena masuk bilik bedah. Tapi dia tak boleh makan sekurang-kurangnya 4 jam. 4 jam..... Dalam pukul 8 boleh la kot..." The MO explained.


I felt like crying when the doctor told me they needed to bring my girl to the Operation Theatre (OT) but I had to be strong. I knew my little girl very well. The words like doctors, hospital, clinics, injection are horror to her and now, she had to undergo an operation! I could imagine the scream and shout of my Coan...


After a while, nurses came with a stretcher. They put Coan there and ready to push her to the OT. She cried and held my hand tight while laying on the stretcher. I was able to be with Coan until the waiting area of the OT. Coan was still crying. Then the doctor came and asked me to leave since they were ready to perform the surgery. Coan screamed when I walked out.


"Ummmmiiiiiiii!!!! ummmmiiiiiiii!!!! ummmmmiiii!!!!"


My tear dropped like rain. I didn't look at Coan anymore. The door was closed but I could still hear her weeping voice. I sit on the bench outside alone. Abang went home to send Kak Izan. Also, he had to pack my clothes and Coan's since we definitely needed to stay there for at least 3 days.


I remembered it was Wednesday. I still had to work on Thursday and Friday before the weekend came. I picked my phone, looked for my immediate boss phone number. None! Then I dialed my big boss number. No ring tone at all. She must have off the phone, I thought. Then I called a collague, to ask for my immediate boss number. Before I was able to get the number, I had to explain everything to her. I couldn't speak properly since I was sobbing. My friend kept telling me to be patient.


I finally managed to call my boss and told him that I wouldn't be able to come the next day and may be the day after. He told me I could take as many days I wish. Too much laaa boss.... I used up my AL okay... the leave isn't free, I thought. But, he was really kind. A few others called and asked about my girl's condition. How fast the news spreaded... I also informed my parents and siblings about the incident. They were shocked and promised to come and visit.


The operation took about an hour. It was the Orthopedic who came out and approached me. I stood up and went closer. He explained,


"Dia masih tak sedar tu. Tadi, tendon dia putus dan kami dah jahit untuk sambung semula. Saya terpaksa letak cast pada kaki dia supaya dia tak boleh bengkok kan kaki. Kalau orang tua, cast tu dekat lutut aje tapi sebab dia budak, saya letak dari peha sampai bawah."


"Apa maksud tu doctor?" I didn't understand


"Tendon tu kalau putus, ada kemungkinan dia tak boleh berjalan dengan betul atau tak boleh jalan langsung. Tapi sebab dia budak, bila kita jahit, senang sembuh dan sel masih baru. Hati-hati supaya dia tak bergerak banyak" he added


Frankly, I didn't quite understand but when he said, 'tak boleh jalan langsung' I felt so bad. A few minutes after that, I heard her weeping voice but rather slow this time.


"Ummiiiiii...... ummiiiiii......" not as loud as before the operation.


The door was opened and the nurse asked me to go in. They had pushed her to the waiting area. The operation finished and Coan had already woke up, not fully awake though. She was still in drowsiness. I could see she tried to lift her leg. Perhaps, she could feel the burden on the leg. The cast was all the way from her upper thigh down her left foot. Pity my little girl... I couldn't stand looked at her leg casted like that. My eyes watered. I controlled but the tear dropped and kept dropping fast.


I hugged her and consoled her but she kept crying. She asked me to lift her up but I was afraid I would make it worse for her. The cast would have broken. What about the leg. Is it safe for me to lift her? I just bent my body and caress her, hoping that she would sleep. But, she kept crying and telling me it was painful.


"Ummiii... sakitttt.... ummi.... sakitttt...." she wept in drowsiness


Abang came. We decided to bring her to the ward. She still wept when nurses put her on the bed. The nurse injected pain killer on her hand. Soon after that, she went to sleep. After that, Abang went back since Kakak had to go to school the next day. Coan was supposed to go to school (kindergarten) too but with her condition, its just not possible.


At night, whenever she was awake, she cried. She wanted to move but the leg made it difficult for her. It made her very frustrated.


The next day, while I was reading a magazine, Coan asked my permission to go down the bed. I told her not too. But, not after a minute, I saw Coan was already down. My eyes rounded. She moved her body using her b*tt bit by bit and finally managed to go down. She dragged fet left foot to be able to walk.


The doctor came when she was looking out the window.


"Hah?? Dah turun katil. Tak boleh niii...." the doctor told her.


But, my 4 year old daughter wouldn't understand that. Her life is full of fun - running, climbing and jumping! She can't sit still. Its just not her (ikut perangai ummi masa kecik la ni. Asyik memanjat aje... heheheheee)


Doctor inspected her leg. The cast moved a bit and she was able to bend her knee a bit.


"Kita kena tukar la cast ni. Saya buat keliling pulak. kat bawah ni saya biarkan kosong supaya ada angin dapat masuk" the doctor suggested.


The next day, we went to the ER (the cast was done there). Doctor cut the first cast and put a new one. Cool stuff! It was only like a cloth at first. When the water was put, it harden. Like putting water on in cement its just that this one looks like a hard plastic.


After 4 days stayed in KMC, Coan was allowed to go home, provided she took all the prescribed medicine and took care of her leg.


After a few follow up visits and after a new cast was put again (yes, because Coan moved a lot as well as the cast), the leg healed. Still, doctor reminded Coan not to jump anymore. Coan is Coan. Jumping is her life. Until now she still like to jump, run and climb. She even climbed her closet and sit at the top (it was a 7 feet closet). I just hope nothing serious happen to her again.

Coan - my resemblance

Many said - Sobhan looks like me, including ma, my sister and my brothers. They said 'Coan ni fotostat kakok'. Why do I call her Coan? Her name is Sobhan. I know its pretty weird, sounds like a male name. But, the name was in the female name section when abang looked for the name in that 'nama-nama yang baik di dalam islam' (more or less - tak ingat la the title of the book).


When she was born, abang really wanted to name her Sobhan. I disagreed. Honestly speaking, I didn't like the name (at first) though the meaning is good - Pretty face. I told abang it wasn't fair. He has named the first child. I should name the 2nd one. Then he asked me to write few names on different piece of papers and he wrote only 1 name - Sobhan. All papers were folded. He asked me to choose. 1st time, I chose Sobhan. 2nd time, still Sobhan was elected. I wasn't satisfied. I chose again and still Sobhan. Mungkin itulah kehendak Allah... I had to agree then and now I think the name suits her well.


My siblings made a joke about the name. Susah la nak sebut. Nanti orang panggil Sob... sob apa? sop tulang... Then ma suggested to call her 'Coan'. At first we didn't like it. After a while, we start to call her Coan. Her friends called her Coan. Her teacher called her Coan and I think people know her better as Coan than Sobhan. At her new school (in Al Jubail), she spelled her name as COAN. The teacher kept correcting her. When she came back, she asked me 'ummi kenapa cikgu buat macam ni' I told her 'Memang la nama Coan yang sebenar Sobhan. Coan tu nama ummi panggil aje'. Though it was difficult for her to adjust (since she's only 5), she managed to remember her name is Sobhan.


Coan is indeed a very 'manja' girl. She used to be like kakak (Sophea) who will go 'gesel gesel' like a cat to you when her 'mood' comes (like kakak or like me? Masa kecil, I always did that to mok. the proof was the picture yang ayah ambil... kat k3m@m@n la tapinya). Caretaker kat nursery always remember her as a 'manja girl'. She's also friendly. The teachers selalu cerita pasal Coan. Coan did this, Coan did that. Coan kacau anak orang. Coan tak nak belajar... macam macam...


When she was 4, Coan attended to the same kindergarten that Sophea attended. One of the teacher didn't know Coan was Sophea's sister. She thought 'Coan' was a chinese girl. She said 'diorang dok cerita coan, coan... saya pelik.. ada ke budak cina kat sini.. baru lah saya tahu rupanya Coan ni adik Sophea....'


I was pregnant to Coan when Sophea was abot 11 months. It was 4 months after I resigned from my HR Exec post and moved to Ku@nt@n (to be with my hunnybunny). We didn't plan the pregnancy at all. It happened. An 'accident' that hurt me a little me coz I had a C-Sec before. The advice is usually to gap the pregnancy at least 2 years after the C-Sec. But I got pregnant after 11 months! I was scared and a bit stressed. I wasn't ready to take care of a new baby (it was still in the womb though) when my first was only 11 months. Pity Sophea. Tak dapat manja lebih lebih. May be that is why she always compare herself to Coan before and Shahmey now...


Alhamdulillah, besides the mixed feelings, I managed to go through the pregnancy. When the doctor told us, 'its a girl', still I was hoping for a miracle. But not that much. I thought, 'okay jugak kalau girl. boleh la pakai baju2 Sophea masa kecil... tak payah nak beli banyak sangat baju baru'. And it turned out that we didn't bought many new outfits for her. Kesian la pulak my 2nd daughter ni... Tapi after coming back from KMC, I went to purchase some more baju for her...


Hmmm, I haven't write about the 'moment' yet. History repeats itself. Due to the baby size calculation, I should be due on 16 March 2002. Abang's friend hold a wedding ceremony (sambut menantu) in KT on the 15 March 2002. Since a week before that, the doctor said, 'the baby is not yet closed to the openings' we decided to go to KT. We wanted to leave Sophea with ma at K3m@m@n. So, on 14 March, we went back to K3m@m@n and overnight there. Early morning on the 15 March, I felt pain on my back. The same pain on 17th July 2000. I told abang about it. Abang asked me whether I think its okay to go to KT. I said 'entahlah bang' Then he decided not to go. So, we went to another friend's house (he's also going to KT) and passed the wedding present.


Leaving Sophea with ma, we rushed to KMC. Dr Z did internal check up and told me, 'not yet. Still high. You balik la dulu. Kalau sakit lebih kerap, then datang.' Oh well oh well... I had the same experience before and I think I wanted to stay. I told the doctor, 'Saya rasa saya nak duduk ward la doctor.' The doctor showed one kind of face (Agaknya dia fikir, budak ni tak percaya kat aku la ni. I'm the doctor or yourself?) That was what I thought because she kept saying, 'lambat lagi. Lagipun rumah you dekat aje kan...'. I still insisted to stay. Reluctantly (its not because she had to pay for my bill but may be because I didn't agree with what she had suggested), she said 'okay, saya akan minta nurse arrange a room for you'


It was about 11am. The 'ghesa' kept coming. I stayed in the ward doing nothing (doctor kata lambat lagi kan. Takde la dia nak letak air ke, ubat ke...) Of course abang was there with me (keluar masuk la jugak once in a while). The pain came more often. At about 1.30pm, I felt like going to toilet. When I p**, there was blood together with my urine. I remember ma told me, 'tanda nak bersalin ada 2. Satu, ketuban pecah, satu lagi keluar darah. Kalau tanda darah, sakit sikit nak bersalin'. I knew its the sign! Wah wah... since the sign is different from Sophea, it must be a boy!! hehehe, I thought (Despite the scan that shows 'its female' duhhhh!!!).


I press the button for the nurse. When she came, I told her, there was blood in my urine. She checked and confirmed the opening was already 2cm! (Orang cakap dah nak bersalin tak percaya... I said to myself). She went to see the doctor and came back. She told me to wait till a few more openings. It was about 7pm that the nursed brought me to the deilvery room (since I requested to have a normal delivery).


I was really in pain. A severe one. Only God Knows... I kept asking the doctor to give me pain killers, oxygen or whatever it was to reduce the pain. When the nurse gave me morphine (I think its morphine that cause me really dorwsy), I was like a bit sleepy. It lasted only a while. The pain came again but the opening has stopped. A longggg stop. Stucked at 7cm until 12 midnight. Dr H told me, 'Saya bagi you peluang sampai 1 pagi. Kalau tak buka lagi, kita kena operate. Kalau buka 1cm je lagi, saya boleh forcep.'


It was 1 am but the opening was only 7cm. Ya Allah, I know it's gonna be another C-Sec, I thought. Yes, indeed, the doctor has arranged for the anesthetician to come, already at 12am. But, I didn't know what made the anesthetician took so long to come. The operation was supposed to be at 1am. But, due to the lateness, I had to wait, in pain of course.


They already prepared me for the C-Sec. I waited at the waiting room with abang. How can I describe myself then. I was like a fish being caught. A fish laid on the land (struggle in the worst pain in my life). I held abang's hand tight, really tight. My nails left blooded wound on his hand, in which I didn't realize at all. Pity him.


The pain made me to push (macam sakit nak ber@k. kan rasa nak teran aje). When nurses saw me pushing, they came and said 'kak jangan teran kan. nanti bengkak' the hell! First, I didn't know (even until now actually) what's gonna be 'bengkak' (swollen). 2ndly, they were very young and I doubt they have even get married. Of couse, they were not yet pregnant. How could they feel the pain that I went through.


Dr H came and told me, 'kita tunggu Dr A aje sekarang ni. dah lama saya call dia tapi tak sampai lagi. Sabar kejap ye' Oh yessss... I'm waiting and I'm waiting in pain...


Finally Dr A came! They pushed me to the OT (Operation Theater). Dr A came and talked to me (while he was holding my wrist to inject me with the anesthetic). I only remember an injection was given and after a while, I felt really sleepy. I was awake (still can't open my eyes though) when the nurses transferred me to my bed in my room. I could hear them talking to each other but felt very weak. It was about 4am.


I could only open my eyes about an hour after that. I saw abang. I remember asking abang the time. He said, we had another girl and she was delivered at 2.21am. The weight was 3.03kg. Hmmm.. Only 0.03kg more than Sophea. Sophea was born at 8.05am with a weight of 3.00kg. I managed to grin. Takpelah, I thought. Alhamdulillah... girl pun okay...


This time, I didn't eat ikan haruan anymore. Abang bought me pati ikan haruan. Also, I ate the them in tablet form. I went through the 'pantang period' in my 'not-so-pantang' style. Heheheheee....